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Make sure your loved ones know what you want with our free My Funeral Wishes form.
Hospice UK and Dying Matters are proud to be a member of National Voices.
Being with someone you love at the point of their death is a profound experience. Nonetheless, you may find the anticipation emotionally and mentally exhausting. At times you may fervently wish for it to be over. And then you may feel guilty for thinking like this. But it is a normal and understandable response to a very stressful situation.
Physical signs that death is near
There are certain physical signs which indicate the person is close to death.
When death happens, it happens very quickly. There is no doubt about what is taking place. Sometimes the person will give several outward pants as their heart and lungs stop. Others may give a long out-breath followed quite a few seconds later by what seems another intake of breath. This may be repeated for several minutes, which can be alarming if you are not ready for it. However, this is only the lungs expelling air.
Other indicators are very clear:
The moment of death can happen in many ways. It can be an intensely spiritual experience. Alternatively, it may feel rather prosaic. The essence of the person has gone, leaving behind a body that can seem like an empty envelope.
You may feel grief. You may feel numb. You may feel relief. It may feel like an anti-climax – especially in a hospital or institution where nursing staff may be coming in and out to deal with necessary practicalities. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel.
If it’s what you want, staff may also leave you alone for a while with the body. This can be both reassuring and sometimes unexpectedly peaceful.
Sometimes those present at the deathbed report less immediately physical experiences. Carers and relatives may talk of seeing vapours leaving or hovering over the body.
Others have described loving light filling the room or a sudden change in room temperature. Or there may be a heaviness in the air which takes time to clear, or there may be other strange phenomena such as clocks stopping at the moment of death, pets behaving out of character, or birds and butterflies appearing at the window.
Relatives and friends who were not there may experience ‘seeing’ or sensing the dead person and knowing the exact time of death before they are officially informed. These ‘visitations’ are usually comforting and reassuring, and very memorable.
It’s not unusual after someone has died, especially when you were present at the time, to feel disconnected from people, places or things. It can feel as if you are in a dream, or looking at life through frosted glass. This can be especially difficult when you are thrown into the intensity of making funeral arrangements.
It can be hard to explain how you are feeling, especially to those who have never witnessed a death. But feeling strange or disconnected from reality for a period of time is understandable when we have watched someone die.
You may also feel that you are being forced to face your own mortality, or you may feel you don’t know what to do with yourself. You can find yourself aimlessly wandering around, feeling lost and alone and deeply questioning everything in your life..
However you experience what happens, life will never be the same again. It can’t be after something so profound.
Over the following weeks and months, for some there may be emotional and spiritual rawness that throws up feelings of anger as well as grief. For others, it can be truly liberating. We only really know what we need to deal with as we go through our grieving process. Make sure you find the right support for yourself.
You can find our more about what to expect when someone is dying here.
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