No one told us she was going to die

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Bridget Fiennes
Bridget Fiennes's picture
Last seen: 7 years 8 months ago
Joined: 05/06/2011 - 11:31pm
No one told us she was going to die

When my mother died, although we'd all been anticipating it for many months, it still came as a huge shock. This was because we were never told that she was displaying the signs that death was imminent, and - having never watched someone die from a progressive illness before - we didn't know what those signs were. This meant that I was at work when she drew her last breath, and I have never really recovered emotionally from not being there for her. My mum was at one of the best regarded hospices in the country, but at no point was a meeting arranged with us, her family, to tell us how serious the situation was. If I had known her death was imminent (days or hours rather than weeks or months) I would have been there for her. I was just wondering if other readers have had similar experiences.

kristiewest's picture
Last seen: 7 years 6 months ago
Joined: 14/07/2011 - 2:56pm
Hi Bridget, I'm very sorry to

Hi Bridget,
I'm very sorry to hear about your mum.

My comment is not so much about similar experiences as such, but more about how you are feeling about this.
I've met loads of people in a similar situation - not necessarily in that they weren't told...but in that they weren't there when their mum or dad died - which can be a huge cause of pain and guilt.
There is such a belief in society that someone should die quietly in a bed with their loved one holding their hands - but so often it doesn't happen this way - and being stuck on what we can't change can keep people stuck in pain and grief for a very long time about it.
Let me know how you're feeling about this i.e. guilty, angry, whatever is specifically going on for you (specifically about not being there, not just not being told) and I can give you some ideas or different ways to think about this that will help.

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