A new book challenges us (and helps us) to sort out our end of life plans

Before I Go is a new book from Jane Duncan Rogers. Here she explains how it came about, and at the end you can download a free extract from the book. 

 

In 2010 my husband of 20 years died of stomach cancer in hospital. Hospice was not involved at all – he had not wanted to discuss the practicalities of how the last few weeks or days of his life would go, and consequently was too ill to be moved when the doctors finally admitted there was nothing more they could do. He died quietly with me by his bedside. 

 

A few months previously we had discussed a whole lot of very different practical issues. 

 

I had received an email from a long-standing friend in America.  She urgently asked me to read through a list of questions and get Philip to answer them. They were all practical, for example: What kind of coffin do you want? How do you want your body dressed? What are your passwords and where are they?   Things that are hard enough to ask at the best of times, let alone when someone you know is actually dying.  Philip was reluctant, but he could see it would make a difference to me, and so eventually we started. A few hours later we had finished and realized we had had a good time doing it – unbelievable!  How could talking about imminent death in this way end up with us feeling so close, connected and loving? We referred to it later as our last project together; a slightly macabre way of spending a Saturday morning, perhaps, but nonetheless a very fruitful and even enjoyable one. 

 

After Philip died, I felt incredibly grateful he had had the courage to answer the questions. There were still plenty that we hadn’t covered, but the ones I did know the answers to helped me enormously. I was bereft enough without having to have the added hassle of trying to find documents, access accounts, and wonder what on earth he would have wanted for a funeral. (If indeed he wanted one – too late I found out there is no need to have one).  

 

Six year on and I have founded Before I Go Solutions, a social enterprise dedicated to having end of life plans become as commonplace as birth plans. Uniquely we offer courses so people can create their end of life plans together. My new book Before I Go: The Essential Guide to Creating A Good End of Life Plan, was published in August 2018. 

 

 

In a country where we resolutely behave as if death will not happen to us, the baby boom generation in particular are having a nasty wake-up call. Whether it happens due to their own ageing parents, or their ageing selves or friends, is immaterial.  Dying, death and grief are fast becoming topics that are recognized as being necessary to talk about if we want to maximize our chances of a good end of life, and provide in the best way possible for those left behind.  

 

Without these conversations, each one of us risks having an end of life not according to our values; we risk our loved ones having less inheritance because of it being spent sorting out our affairs afterwards; and we risk family arguments happening over the simplest of decisions.

 

I call on all involved in any way with Hospice UK to start in your own home. If you haven’t… 

 

• got an up-to-date will

• prepared your advance decision and made your last days wishes clear

• appointed a power of attorney

• communicated about any detailed funeral wishes

• decided about your digital life

• communicated about your household affairs, including finances

• created a living legacy

 

…then do it now!  

 

There is much more to do than you would think, and you probably don’t know what you don’t know anyway. So take heart, prepare yourself with some gentle conversation starters, and start making some great end of life decisions so you can then get on with living.

 

 

Bio: Jane Duncan Rogers runs Before I Go Solutions, helping people, and especially carers, to create good end of life plans. She also runs the Before I Go Academy, teaching health professionals to bring the Before I Go Method to their local communities. She is author of Gifted By Grief, and Before I Go: The Essential Guide to Creating A Good End of Life Plan. She lives in the north of Scotland. Find out more here: https://beforeigosolutions.com/

 

Click here to download a free excerpt from the book. 

 

You can buy Before I Go online here.