How to talk to children about death

Hilary Robinson is the author of more than 40 books for young children. Her book, The Copper Tree, was the first of a series of picture-books tackling challenging social issues such as prejudice, adoption and bereavement. In a blog first posted on PictureBookDen, Hilary talks about how she drew on her own personal experience and that of others to really get to the heart of how to help young children who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, often for the first time. 

Caroline’s last hours in the hospice were peaceful for her but they were painful for us. When the phone call finally came that she had died, despite the inevitability, the emotion was overwhelming.  

Caroline had battled breast cancer for seven years before dying at the age of 39. In the days that followed I thought a lot about her parents, and husband, but I thought also about the children in our families as well as the children at the school where she’d been a much-loved teacher. To help my young daughters through their grief I encouraged them to think about the legacies their Aunt had left in terms of what she had shared, taught and imparted and in what was probably an effort to exorcise the grief, I then wrote a story about a teacher who dies. 

The Copper Tree developed into a story of a small group of young school children who are encouraged to prepare for, and come to terms with, the subsequent death of their teacher, Miss Evans. At the centre of it all I considered the simple needs of young children, many of whom would be exploring the feelings of grief and loss for the first time. I realised that a relationship with a teacher mirrored so many relationships in other areas of our lives – from parents, family, wider family, friends and even pets. 

I wanted the story to be real and accessible and revised core elements of the text after seeking advice from bereaved families, from teachers and bereavement consultants. One mother whose 17-year-old son had died from cancer told me that those with terminal illness, quite often – despite the pain and fear – remain cheerful. They see and appreciate the pure beauty of life and find joy in simple pleasures.

Justine, a young mother of three children who was dying of breast cancer, was critical of the lack of books that featured people as main characters, rather than animals, while teachers advised against using ambiguous language - saying to a young child we have "lost" someone can lead them to believe that we may find them again and when a friend was told, as a young girl, that her grandmother had died of a stroke, she became then fearful of stroking the cat. I also avoided whimsical notions of heaven, leaving parents, teachers and carers free to consider those elements in their own respective and personal ways

Dr Paul Fitzpatrick, an expert in bereavement counselling from Cardiff University, explained that ‘continuing bonds theory’ is now considered by many to be an integral part of helping those who grieve. Recognising and celebrating the legacies of those who have died is considered far more effective than ignoring, as previous generations have done, the fact that someone had ever existed and this was borne out when our local hospice, St Gemma's, established a Tree Of Life on which bereaved relatives could hang copper leaves inscribed with the name of a loved one who had died.

So with all this is mind The Copper Tree took shape and in the story the children are gently taken through the difficult process. There are light-hearted moments and moments of poignancy – just as in life – and following a period of reflection after the death of Miss Evans, they are encouraged to think about all that their teacher has shared with them – or taught them. These memories are then inscribed onto copper leaves and fixed on to a copper tree as a reminder of her lasting legacy.

We cherish our memories of Caroline and we are proud of the legacies she has left. The Copper Tree may not have happened had it not been for her and that, in itself, remains a lasting legacy to her. We recognise also that, while at times the emotional pain has been difficult to bear, we have, as Caroline did in the end, found some measure of peace. 

The Copper Tree by Hilary Robinson, illustrated by Mandy Stanley

Published by Strauss House Productions
ISBN: 978-0957124509
www.thecoppertree.org

Visit Hilary Robinson's website: www.hilaryrobinson.co.uk

Read our review of The Copper Tree.