Don't Bottle It Up

By Gary Andrews
 

I was an only child and both my parents died by the time I was 31. It was too soon to lose them but I grieved in the ‘normal’ way and life went on. A few years later I met and married Joy, the woman of my dreams: tall, funny, kind clever and beautiful - I had no idea what she saw in me (short, balding, 15 years older) but I was happy she obviously saw something! We had 2 gorgeous children and our own company. Life was pretty idyllic.

Then, in October 2017, while I was away on business in Vancouver she went down with what appeared to be ‘flu. 3 days later she was dead from multiple organ failure as a result of Sepsis. She was just 41.

So, there I was, 57 years old and unexpectedly a widower with a 7 year old son and 10 year old daughter. I was utterly devastated but realised very quickly that it was not only me that had lost her. Our circle of friends were devastated too - Joy had been so full of life, always ready with a smile and a kind word and was universally loved by all. She was very aptly named. They all wanted to help but were initially at a loss as to what to do except cook for us (soooo much lasagne!). Then one of them had a great idea - they set up a WhatsApp group for me (although I wasn’t allowed on it - “we talk about you, not to you!”) so any time I needed a sitter or an errand running, or even just company I could contact the admin and they would put the word out. It was so helpful in a very practical way but it also made them feel connected to us (and us feel very loved).

The other thing I did was to continue with a doodle diary I had been keeping. As an illustrator and cartoonist I draw every day anyway but for 18 months had kept a Doodleaday Diary, documenting my life in all its quirks. Upon Joy’s death this took on a new significance. Now, I used it to examine my feelings of grief, my struggles as a solo parent, recording the funny or moving things the kids said or did. And a strange thing happened. It got noticed. The press picked it up and there was a 3 page article in a national newspaper. Radio and podcasts followed and eventually the BBC commissioned me to make a short animated film, which led to an appearance on The One Show. My Twitter and Instagram followings rocketed and it became very clear that this was touching a chord with people all over the world. Grief was something that people needed to talk about but often found hard, and my scribbles were helping them to open up, or realise they were not alone. The sharing has helped me too - made me see that I am not alone either and that through helping others, Joy’s death has become less pointless. The drawing has been my therapy. My release.My mission. I am lucky – I can draw and my art has allowed me to express my feelings – but there are ways we can all do this. Bake your way through grief, dance, sing, mend cars… anything you do  for yourself can be a channel for your grief.

The most important thing is – share it, don’t bottle it up.

You can find out more about Gary and his Doodles here 

Find him on Twitter here