Soul Sister
“Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved.”
M
idwives assist us when we are born, so why not when we die? This is the ethos of Soul Midwives, a growing body of passionate, non-medical practitioners who work to create ‘good deaths’.
Dying Matters spoke to Soul Midwife Jackie Deakin, left, who says she offers a 'calming voice amid the turmoil' that often accompanies dying.
It was her brother Keith’s death from leukemia ten years ago that set Jackie Deakin on the path to becoming a Soul Midwife. Jackie says: “Keith was only 43 when he died. He had two friends who talked him through the dying process from a religious perspective. We don't know what they said, but whatever it was fundamentally altered his outlook. He became quite content and actually looked forward to his death."
Rather than celebrating Keith’s acceptance, it heightened the family’s pain. "We didn’t understand how he could embrace death," Jackie, 47, explains. "I remember being quite angry that they were talking to him about dying when my heart just wanted him to hold on and wait for the miracle that never came."
Seven years later, Jackie discovered Soul Midwifery and says it "filled the gap" in the way she viewed Keith’s death. "Had I known then what I know now, how different that whole experience could have been for all of us.
"Now I am thankful to those friends who were with him through his final journey. They eased his fear and brought love and compassion to a situation that was fraught with fear and uncertainty. The missing link, however, is that we, as the family, were not brought into the process."
Involving families in the death process on a spiritual level and trying to reduce their fear of the inevitable is key to the work of Soul Midwives. "We only have to listen to the way a death is presented on the news to know it's a subject that we are being taught we must live in dread about," says Jackie, who practices in East Dorset, Hampshire and Wiltshire.
"Our medical services, although fantastic in curing most ailments and dealing with emergencies, are bringing about a belief that humans can conquer anything, and therefore we don’t have to face the concept of dying for a very long time. I see how much we have moved away from the naturalness of dying. It has become a taboo subject with a common belief being 'if ignored, it won’t frighten us'."
Soul Midwives can also help when a family has little or no spiritual leanings. "We don’t know what’s on the other side, but we help them explore what might be there.
"We can take any thoughts and ideas they have further if they want to, and go with them on that journey. We all have our own beliefs but we all do tend to believe in the afterlife," says Jackie, who fits Soul Midwifery around her full-time job as a medical secretary at the Royal Bournemouth Hospital.
"We bring loved ones into the process, as much as they feel comfortable with, encouraging them to be involved in the final journey, and we provide emotional and spiritual support to them too. We teach them how to massage feet, hands and foreheads, to just sit with their loved one, talk or sing with them. Sometimes just small but loving acts can have a huge impact on a dying soul."
Words like ‘patient’ have little place in this spiritual arena. Clients are called ‘friends’ and the service agreement between the Soul Midwife and the client is a ‘Sacred Contract'.
Using their various skills (most Soul Midwives offer complementary therapies; some are qualified nurses) the midwives draw-up a package of care. "We look at the needs of the person, what they want and don’t want. For example, would they rather be conscious than submit to extensive drug therapy?"
Although Jackie has yet to be with a client at the moment of death, she has been there shortly before. "It really is a privilege to share the sacred space with someone as they cross into another world. To be there for another, with compassion, in a time of trauma really is one of the best gifts you can give or receive," she says.
The frequency of visits depends on what stage of the dying process a client is at. If they have just a few weeks left, visits may be once a week or more. Towards the end, they can be daily.
While Soul Midwives seek to ease a patient’s death from a spiritual perspective, they can also offer practical assistance. Jackie says: "I was visiting an old gent in hospital and his daughter was desperate to get him home. I spoke to the hospital on their behalf. Four days later he died in his own home."
Soul Midwives are not officially allowed to work in hospitals, and so if they visit an inpatient they must do so as a friend. But while official recognition would help their work to be taken more seriously, Jackie views it as a double-edged sword. "Being part of a hospital team would strip us of much of our authenticity, autonomy and potentially limit the service we can give," she explains.
Jackie studied under Felicity Warner, who created the Soul Midwives Foundation. She now runs her own Art of Dying workshops, which she sees as more of a personal journey, complementing Felicity's courses. Attendees come from a wide range of disciplines and with a wide range of interests, both professional and personal. The course description on Jackie’s website reads: ‘Unless we are comfortable with the idea of our own mortality and all it implies, we won't be able to enjoy our lives fully.’
"Completely true," says Jackie. "I am incredibly joyous in my personal life while remaining sensitive and professional in my work. Once you have confronted death and transmuted your fear of it into love, it’s no longer a fear."
Further information
Jackie charges £295 for a complete end of life package, or £30 per visit (prices as of November 2011). For more on Soul Midwifery and Jackie's workshops, visit www.enchantingsoul.com. For more information on the Soul Midwives Foundation, visit www.soulmidwives.co.uk
Awareness Week Events
There are hundreds of Dying Matters Awareness Week events going on nationwide. View them here, or publicise your own.
