The Conversation: Dying Matters' Blog

An article in the Wall Street Journal yesterday advised on the right and wrong things to say to someone grieving for a loved one.

Like most of us, I struggle to find the right words. Years ago I remember watching a TV drama where the hero, an unutterably cool Irishman, shook the hands of mourners at a funeral while gently murmuring, "I'm sorry for your loss." It was a eureka moment. Here was a phrase hitherto unknown to me that I felt I could comfortably use. It wasn't too intimate, it wasn't too cold, and it summed up exactly what I was feeling: I was, indeed, sorry for their loss, especially true if I didn't know the person who had died.

But the drawbacks of such a phrase quickly became apparent. It is emotionally vacuous, fine for cool, fictional Irishmen, or if you don't know the bereaved very well; but in the prolonged, messy, emotional tumult of real grief it just isn't good enough

Having waded through reams of advice from experts, there does seem to be a fairly common consensus as to what just might be good enough. Here are some of the most frequently occurring suggestions:

1. Saying something, however clumsily, is always better than saying nothing.
A few days after my mum died, I got into a lift at work with a senior colleague, a glamorous and icy magazine editor known for her straight talking style and appalling people skills. Knowing full well that she knew why I had been off work, we travelled five floors making meaningless chit-chat while I mentally urged her to say something, anything - mainly because I didn't want to like her any less than I already did. As the lift doors opened and we went to go our separate ways, she turned to me suddenly and, stumbling over her words, her face as red as the soles of her Louboutin shoes, said how sorry she was and that she hoped I was OK. She may have been cack-handed at condolences but she soared in my estimation.

2. Don't say 'I know how you feel.' Honestly, you don't. You may have lost half-a-dozen loved ones yourself but you cannot possibly know the unique tapestry of emotions a bereaved person is going through.

3. While offers of help are usually appreciated, saying something like: "Tell me if there's anything I can do to help," is just too vague and may even leave the bereaved feeling guilty if they can't think of anything they feel comfortable asking for. A friend whose husband died said that what really helped in the early days was when people simply told her what they intended to do, and then got on and did it. "I'm coming round at 5pm to see you; I'm walking your dog this afternoon; I'll be round at 6pm with a lasagne, if you can't bring yourself to open the door, I'll leave it on the doormat."

4. Try to steer clear of platitudes such as 'Time will heal' or 'They're in a better place now.' Instead, just let your unvarnished feelings out: "This is terrible, I can't believe it. I'm so sorry." People will appreciate and respond to your honesty.

5. If you don't know what to say, then say it! Saying "I don't know what to say" can be incredibly powerful because it's true. The key thing is you're making an effort to say something, anything, to reach out and comfort the bereaved person.

There is so much more advice available that I don't have space for here. But it's worth bearing in mind that actual speaking isn't always the most important thing. After I suffered another loss a couple of years ago, my closest friend informed me she would be on the next train down and intended to stay for a few days. In the midst of my grief, the concern that there was food in for her and clean sheets on the spare bed gave me some much needed distraction. And when she did arrive, far from spending all our time talking, we found ourselves sitting in reflective silence for hours on end. That she was there for me was enough.

Posted by sarahstone