The Conversation: Dying Matters' Blog

Soul Midwife Felicity Warner was stunned to be invited to the Women of the Year lunch, where every attendee is handpicked for their personal contribution to society. Felicity talks about the Soul Midwife network she set up that led to her invitation.

There’s a running joke in my family that I need “to get out a bit more” and also many hints that I should dress properly for work!

On Monday 17 October I attended the Women of the Year lunch, which was an enormous thrill as well as being a chance to wear a proper frock for once. I was so amazed to receive the invitation that I thought it was a joke! I hid the letter from Baroness Kennedy in a drawer for several days before believing it to be true.

The glitzy glamour of London is a far cry from my normal life. I work from home, an old and draughty farmhouse in Dorset, running the Soul Midwives Foundation. My work includes mentoring over a 100 Soul Midwives, running courses and working as a Soul Midwife when anyone asks me. This all means that I am often still in my nightie at lunchtimes with wellies on my feet and jumper on top. I just get very carried away. I rarely take a day off… my work is a joy and a passion.

I set up Soul Midwives about eight years ago. It developed from a small project I started called ‘The Hospice of the Heart’. It was a virtual hospice based around a website and it provided information on palliative care, acted as a platform for re-visioning death and dying ideas, and became a forum for expressing spiritual and holistic ideas to help the dying.

It grew very rapidly and eventually became a charity. But I realised that the nub of my work was to help people to die well, enjoying all the benefits of modern treatment, but emphasising tenderness, compassion and a very human touch. This is what comforts most people in their final days and the people who help them best are their own families and loved ones. I enjoy the hands on approach.

As a small child, and as a teenager, I had experienced a number of very close deaths in my family. I was a very sensitive child and always sensed when people were ill or unhappy, or grieving. Looking back now, these early experiences were a gift and they gave me a deep understanding of what people experience.

Later, I worked as a journalist, specialising in health, covering everything from head lice to haemorrhoids but, eventually, six young women dying from breast cancer opened a door for me. I wrote about their treatment, and they told me what it really felt like to be dying and how lonely it all was. They spoke of how friends and loved ones would try to cheer them up constantly, avoiding any conversations with the “D” word in it. They had to hide their true feelings. It was easy to talk to me about this, as there was no direct emotional link. Through each of them I learned what an extraordinary process dying was. They were all creative and also wanted to make their final deaths somehow personal and meaningful - even celebratory.

So, I began “sitting” with the dying, first as a volunteer at a local hospice where I “fed” patients too weak to feed themselves, and then gradually people would ask me to come and sit with people at home. One day someone called me a ‘Soul Midwife’. The rest is history.

I developed some very simple techniques for helping with pain and fear which help when medicine has reached its limits. I wrote my first book ‘Gentle Dying’ as a sort of manual for those sitting at the bedside and feeling a desperate need to be able to do something. My second book, ‘A Safe Journey Home’, was published earlier this year and develops the ideas a little further.

People started asking if I would teach them my method and this marked the start of my courses. There are now around 100 Soul Midwives. They are extraordinary people from all walks of life - women and men who make a huge difference in their communities as non-medical companions. They have huge hearts and are real examples of ‘love-in-action’.

Every day I receive emails from doctors, nurses, social workers and priests as well as ordinary people who want to train as Soul Midwives. Increasingly, hospices and care homes are beginning to recognise us.

My aim is to have Soul Midwives in every hospital, hospice and care home in the UK. We really do help people experience a good death by offering time, love and individual attention.

I regularly lecture at hospices and speak at national conferences about bringing holistic ideas into the mainstream and being recognised as a ‘Woman of the Year’ for my efforts is an enormous step forward. I was a huge surprise and honour to be invited to the lunch. I really enjoyed meeting all the other women, telling them about the work of Soul Midwives and also explaining that dying… really does matter.

More

www.soulmidwives.co.uk

www.gentledying.com

www.womenoftheyear.co.uk